I choose to look at life in a romantic fairly tale kinda way where there are evil monsters that must be fought but in the end love always wins. I probably over process my feelings, my thoughts aren't always happy, my grammar needs some work, but I do enjoy writing and sharing my thoughts on life, love and the never questions like, What's it all about? And are dogs really a form of God that's why God spelled backwards is dog?!
Goodbye; two syllables, easy to pronounce, impossible to say. Goodbye is forever, more permanent than death. If I had the chance to say it, could I, would I have seen past the pool of my tears, past the fears of what it means to say goodbye. When you took your last breath, could I, would I have been able to catch mine in time to say goodbye. Goodbye. Two syllables, now one unspoken word that echos between you and I.
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- Kristina Fenimore
It's been 8 months since my mom left and what I get stuck on most these days is all the things she's missing. So many things - important things - like birthdays, Christmas, the birth of a new family member. And all the little things like hearing a new song, going for a drive, or looking at the winter sky. Her precious life, her blessed moments are over. The hardest part to digest - wrap my head around - work through is that my mom will never be here again for any of the big, little and future moments. People will tell me, she is with you, she is around and I know that. I believe that. But it's different. She doesn't get to sing Happy Birthday again, she'll never know what it's like to eat pasta in Italy, or talk to her grandchildren. How do you find peace in that? You don't, you just have a better understanding of how precious life is. Our lives get to keep going but hers just stopped one day. That single thought hurts like hell. My heart breaks for her loss. Her missed moments. And now all those big and little moments that we celebrate will always be both beautiful and sad.
What does Heaven look like to you? I've been thinking about this a lot lately. You try and imagine what your loved ones new home looks like? What are they doing? How do they communicate? Do they miss me too? What does an average day look like? I know they are still with us when they leave. I know because I can feel my mom's presence at times, but it's not the same. I wonder if it will ever be the same? What will our relationship be like when I meet her in heaven. So much of life is having to figure out what you want to believe in and then having faith in that belief cause what is death? We don't really know anything about it. We can't define it.
My mom kept telling me to watch 1883 so I finally did and there was a line that stuck with me when Elsa was dying, "There is a moment where your dreams and your memories merge together and form a perfect world. That is heaven. And each heaven is unique. It is the world of you. The land is filled with all you hold dear. And the sky is your imagination."
I like this thought. It's something I can wrap my head and heart around. Heaven is a collection of our most joyous moments.
