One Year - Everything And Nothing Has Changed

One year. One year since you left. Everything and nothing has changed. I don't look at the sky the same way, I now look up and wonder just how far heaven is. Trying to be everything I never used to be, fear left me when I looked back at the time you had and the time I still have. I've accepted that your burdens are not mine to carry and I've buried them with love and forgiveness, along with my own. I know what I need to do to be happy, but patiently wait as I untangle my grief. I know I will never be the same person I used to be, how can I, the woman who made half of me is gone. But I'm not afraid to live without you anymore. I'm not afraid because I finally understand that you never left me. When I need you, I now quietly and patiently listen to my heart and there you are. Your words still there. Your unconditional love isn't gone. All the love I need is here. It's always been here and now lives in my children. I don't worry for you anymore for my faith has taught me to trust the universe. I don't need to look for signs anymore that you're near because you're everywhere; *"I am a thousand winds that blow, I am the diamond glints on the snow, I am the sunlight on ripened grain. I am the gentle Autumn rain. "

One year gone and I now understand how sad life can really be, but I don't want to sit in darkness anymore. All I want to do is carry you in my spirit. I wan't to let our spirits be free. I want to release our restless hearts. I wan't our smiles to feel like sunshine. I want us to "live by the sun and love by the moon." For I now understand that I am also living for you.

*Clare Harner - Immortality Poem

Pause

Lately when I hear something that makes me wonder, I try and pause so I can absorb it. This thought made me smile. I didn't want to overthink it because the idea of it is very sweet. What if things were that simple...God created us because he just wanted someone to love.

Last Day Of Life With Only A Nurse By Your Side

Sometimes I get stuck on different parts of my mom's passing. Lately, I keep thinking about her last day of being alive. I was with her that day. It was me she spent her last day with along with the nurses and hospital staff. But, I keep getting stuck on two parts. The first part: my moms last day of her life was miserable. She was unhappy. She wasn't even happy to see me after flying in from Philly. She didn't say much that day. She didn't want to talk and I was busy trying to figure out how to proceed with her cancer treatment plan. She watched her soap opera. She slept. I fed her some watermelon and broth. I left her that evening thinking I would see her in the morning like all the times before when she was in the hospital, but that evening she passed with only the nurses by her side. They called me and said she was struggling, so I raced there but I couldn't get to her in time. She was gone. I don't know how the rest of her night went but I imagine she was miserable. So the thought of her last day, on this beautiful planet, in her 66 years of living, ended on a bad day in a hospital with no one she loved around. This thought makes me understand why someone out there once said, "live each day as if it was your last, without frenzy, without apathy and without pretence." But it's hard to do that, right? It was hard for my mom to do that on that day because she was so sick. Sick of being sick. Sick of knowing that the cancer would eventually take her life. Sick of being in a hospital. How do you find joy in a day like that? How do the people who loved her most heal with that thought in mind?

The second part I get stuck on is why didn't the universe give me any signs that something unexpected was going to happen? Why didn't I get a feeling, or why didn't my inner voice tell me to stay that evening, don't leave her. Why didn't I pick up on any cosmic signals - telling me - this would be the last day - ever - that I would get to be with my mom? Did I miss all the signs? Why didn't the sky look different that day. Why didn't the air feel like it was being sucked out of the universe. Why weren't the ravens circling over me? Why were there no signs?

I don't have the answers to these questions. I don't know why my mom's last day of her life was miserable or why I didn't see any signs. The only thing I know - at this time - is that I have to make peace with all the moments that I can't take back. I have to befriend the unknowns. These unanswered questions are now my life lessons. Her death changed my life. I am not the person I used to be. I am beginning to understand how to live. How to love. How to have faith. How to pray. How to accept the things I cannot change. How to be grateful and how to make peace with my mom's ending.

Marcus Aurelius c. 121 - 180 AD: “Perfection of character is this: to live each day as if it was your last, without frenzy, without apathy and without pretense.”